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How To Talk Like A Texan No Matter How German You Are

On a very busy night at the local grocery chain store, the check-out booths were filled with long lines of stressed shoppers eager to get done with their chores. I’m still puzzled over my luck in this situation. Who must have been the store’s friendliest checker – she greeted me with a caring “did you find everything alright?”, while swiftly running my first items across the scanner.

“Oh, it is so kind of you to ask!”, I said. “Matter of fact, I had a minor issue in the canned vegetables section. Aisle 8, I believe.”

I bit my lips immediately over my own rudeness. Why didn’t I notice that she had already started a chat with the checker next to her. They must have been talking about something truly funny because she laughed so hard that she dropped a bag of my grapes on the floor. (No harm done – grapes should be washed anyway before consumption. I’m sure the store has a cleaning crew coming in later to wipe up the quarter pound smashed by her boot.)

I didn’t mean to be pushy, of course, but Miss Speedy was half-way done with my load and I really wanted to answer her inquiry into my shopping experience.

“Unfortunately”, I continued, “the baked beans were on the top shelf, and when reaching for them – I knocked back the last can of my favorite brand. A step-ladder would have been helpful!”

If looks could kill, you’d never seen this story in writing! My selfish babbling must have kept her from hearing the neighbor checker’s punchline. He smiled at her with anticipation (”Don’t you think I’m the funniest guy of this outfit and whatcha doing after work?”), but I must have spoiled the whole thing with my petty baked bean problems.

“Quite frankly”, I added, “the corn syrup doesn’t belong with the pancake stuff – it should be located with the baking supplies. Took me at least ten minutes to figure this out!”

I wished I’d kept my mouth shut. Both checkers and their sacker assistants now stared at me as if they were thinking: “Shuuht uuhp, dork!”

I’m so sorry.

Next time I go shopping, I’ll look again for my friendly check-out angel. Nothing beats the feeling of sincere customer appreciation in this hectic world of today. (And I can’t wait to mention that yogurt can be found quicker when stored in the milk cooler!)

I wonder if the swine flu would make me more “influenzial”…

Thank God, my doctor prescribed a new oinkment for my swine flu symptoms!

New release! The Godfather 4: “How to win friends and INFLUENZ-A people!”

With enough influenzal friends you’ll never have enemas… (by my friend CCGAL)